That's the risk you take if you change: that people you've beeninvolved with won't like the new you. But other people who do will come along.

that about sums it up

wow..im sitting naked in this chair..oh gosh i have a problem hahaha!!!

well today i have my candle party..oh geeze. i'll tell you how that goes-even though I already see where it's heading. BORRING! stupid firggen candles haha

oh..and heres  apicture of me and this cuuute puppy!

yeah it's friday. and yeah.im not suppose to eat meat. and yeah i cooked two hamburgers,which i bust my butt off making.

and yeah. i ate one.saved the other formidnight.

and yeah...YEAH BABYT YEAH lol ok. anyway..eating 3 pieces of piza now screw it.

tomorrow i have a "candle party" to attend..hmm lets see how that goes..probly talk about "OHH MY KIDS ARE BETTER THAN URS!" or "OHH I JUST GOT A BENZZZ,OH YES DAHLING..PASS THE OURDURVES"

Ever hear about how tough it is to keep quiet when you’re wearing your heart on your sleeve? Think you could definitely manage it, no matter what’s going on? Hope you were right. Check out your sleeve

and i can't call ya baby anymore,wont call ya baby like i did before-

you left me here with my mistakes.

maybe i'll post something meaningful one day..maybe..maybe not.

yeah..

thats about it.

so as a girl..i wanted to change the world...i thought I could be an actress..an inspirational one..and do inspirational movies..and let me help the writers of the movie write my lines so my words can get into people.

ha. i thought i was something special or something. anyway..i gave up on the world. Well not neccesciarly..but sorta. i dont care as much as changing the world as i used to..but sometimes it is still in the back of my mind.

i think i want to write novels because i want to change the world..or humanity.i can wake up one day..trying to change the world..when the whole time..the world is just changing me,and sometimes you just never know. these changes the world brings..

and sometimes...

it's alright.

"Hate it or love it the underdog's on top, and imma shine homie until my heart stops"-the game ft. 50 cent.

ha yeah..im actually listening to a little rap now. it make sme wanna dance!

anyway..i have this cold and it sucks crap:( but u know what..ill make it through..IMA SHINE HOMIE!! lol

for some reason-i keep being excited for no reason. and i like it.

I once heard this..

"not having a father is very unhealthy for someone"

So am I suddenly unhealthy,mentaly,physica lly?
nah. i highly doubt it. but it still crosses my mind.

Well i ate too much mcdonalds and pizza in one day,ha? unhealthy enough for ya,shrinks and psyhcologists who are part psycho themselves and trying to analyze people,thinking they know everything,like me.

i over analyze thinking i know,too. but i admit,id ont. but id like to think ido,but i am not gunna be like this forever.

Dad,you died at 3:00 p.m. in the ambulance. but id bet you already knew that. I wasnt prepared to hear it. At your funeral, I kept saying "wake up,Wakeup!" "comon lets go now" I was so in shock,i made myself believe you were sleeping all this time.

No one woke ME up,Nor you.
No one bothered to tell me the truth,and i couldnt even tell the truth to myself.

looking back, i was only trying to protect myself,from hurting,and crying.

SOmetimes i am not as strong as people think i am. im sick of being strong,you know how it is dad,when your so close of putting down your shields,and you do. and its like..wow.'

goodnight dad,i think tomorrow is gunna be a good day!

So dad. Today i saw the light,or i atleast felt light.
Remember last night,i was crying before I fell asleep..and that psalm wouldnt leave my head it goes something like this "mourn at night..joy cometh in the morning?" WEll..

it didnt come in the morning,but i was surely happy. And even later in this day,i was even more happy! im getting myself a place in march. yep getting the heck out of this place and life of mine.
It will kinda sooth the pain,ya know? I dont know dad,i know youll be excited. Shelbys all excited about it. and i know shelbys exactly like you,a good cook,and always worried about money,ha.

when hes happy..he makes me super happy.

thank you god,for this day.

and dad,i honestly think..there is agod.

I dont care waht anyone says anymore dad,dont ever let me believe there isnt a god when things go bad. And you know what else dad,why is it that everybody thanks some other human for something that went good. for example "wow john,thanks for the soil that helped my plants grow" and if that guys plants go wrong he blames it on god and says "ITS ALL GODS FAULT. GOD DOESNT WANT ME TO HAVE A GOOD GARDEN" So humans get all the credit,why god gets the blame for all the evil things in this world?
I think not.

people need to re-think this thing through. yeah we can praise people for inventing stuff,but it all connects back to god.

thankgod once in awhile.

dad,i hope youre doing well in heaven.xoxo

it's morning. and im done mourning.

yeah,dad,i tried soooo hard not to cry last night,but i did.

i thought of the psalm "those who mourn at night,joy cometh in the morning" or something..and...well..it stuck in my head the whole time.

so bring me joy,god.

sooo dad,i was thinking a little bit today and well..i been thinking a little bit since you left.

Ive been thinking what will I turn out to be now,since your gone. no no im not intending that ill turn out to be some low life or that I need you in my life to help me be something..but you know maybe that is the case.

I wanted to tell you that I keep your pictures. I stole one from the attic,mom doesn't know though. it's one of your highschool pictures. my best friend says,"WOW! he looks just like you" Of course you do,dad.  you know what they always say about girls who loose their dads,that they tend to be more insecure and unloved,and they run to guys because they lost their dad,and basicaly..girls turn unto sluts or just looking forlove with guys.

Im not sure anymore. sometimes I feel lonely. and you know what dad,i think im the exact opposite of the "normal effect" cause,i dont run to guys,or friends,or anyone really. I keep it all to myself,or in my head. talk inside my head. i never ran to guys for love,or i rejected them away.

but recently,dad,i think that i want to do that. i feel more unloved. and i want to feel loved. and dad,now ifeel like i just want to hug a guy so i can cry. i just want to hug someone and cry my eyes out cause of you. i want the guy to hold me too while i cry. cause for some reason,im tired of crying by myself-but its ok dad. but then again its not. Sometimes i let the hours of the day go by so it can fill a void. just watch the clock,ha what im best at doing.

i fear ill loose myself,and become insecure,and start making out with every guy i see when i go to a club,cause i would need to feel loved. dad,i know that is wrong,but sometimes..im wrong,but then again.im just plain dumb. but just telling you how ifeel dad. i need a hug. i havent gotten a hug by anyone in forever. nothing. nada. no holding either.

i think its time for love.

so dad,since your gone now,i dedicated this blog thing to you now. and now im gnna write to you,and it's all from my head.

i KNEW you did alot of bad drugs,and got high. maybe it got you by?? Nah,i never approved of it. but i learned to live with it. But dad,see..there's one thing our whole family has since you left,our humor. we still have it. and im really proud of us for keeping it,we havent really went deep into the dark ages..you know..some days are better than others. I dread fathers day. i'm soo gunna hate my wedding..when you won't be there to walk me down :(. it seems depressing,i know. but youll be there in spirit. dad,dont you hate it when like shrinks tell you "hes in a better place" well duh. not like i already known that,but it still makes me want to cry,sometimes.

Yes,we all still do love chicken. Popeyes to be exact. When we all have no money,ironicly..we all scoop up loose money,and spend it all on chicken. It's weird. Shelby has like 700 dollars saved up. and none of us can save up jack. i know shelby is a replica of you..maybe thats why im so close to him,and love him dearly. shelby helps mom out to figure out the bills. i dont even get that stuff ha. and hes only 16!! hes very responisble..youll be very proud of him,oh and hes in calculismath already..hes sooo smart,i wish you could be here.

love always.

people get upset..and then they tend to get frusterated..and their frusterations are too much for them to handle..and it turns into anger.

i find humanity beautiful. i love seeing people need each other. it's all apart of life. no matter what freakin religion you are..the purpose..is for everyone to seek happiness..if you deeply put thought into it

people worship their own "gods" because they think it will bring them happiness.

half of the things we do is because we think happiness will be the outcome..it all connects to being happy.we all...just want to be happy.

i have bended recently...

i kinda bend not brake..bend so much..i still won't brake. sooo..bending and mending is all i ever am. i dont think problems stay for along time,and if you cant forget about something,i think over time..it kinda slowly moves unto the backof your mind,no matter what. or something big comes along and you really do forget.

but...somedays i feel like..im ready and i think i can get through the end of the world,and somedays i feel like i cant even get out of the worlds skin. it bounces back,but ya know what? Im ok.

i used to be such a pessimist,but..i just realized now,looking back at my posts..they ARE mending..imnot sounding so..i dont know anymore. i wonder what or who changed me. unless i changed myself. i can look at myself through different persepctives.

i dont know..im happy. i want to be.

have you ever tried..to get good out of somebody..which the whole world believes that that certain somebody ran out of good??
i still have faith in good. i believe it wont fail me.

well if my hands stop working..well you can call me lazy..i mean..i just want myself and other people to let me be loved.

questions that have been pondering my mind:
Does he love me? Does he care? Does he want my body instead of my heart?Can i cry with him? Can i be honest with each other. Do i need him? Do I think he is a true gentleman? Is he shady sometimes?

My answers: Yes,Maybe,Maybe,Do not know. No. No. sometimes. yes.

finially..some truth. I finially needed this. thanks heart and mind for allowing me to do this..ihavent been real or honest with myself recently..and my answers to those questions were the most honest and realest things ive seen in the past week.